This post is not about yarn, but is about something that many women struggle with in silence. In the past few years, I’ve seen more women being vocal about this struggle. It’s something that I never thought would happen to me, but it did. Speaking out about it is helpful for me and I hope it helps somebody else.
I’m talking about infertility. Some would look at me and say “you have a son, there’s nothing wrong with you.” There is something called secondary infertility.
My son is 9 1/2 and we have been trying to have another baby for 6 years. What does it feel like? It’s painful. That’s the only way I can describe it. As the years have passed, I’ve have gone through a range of experiences that have seemed to intensify the pain; baby showers, my friends getting pregnant, etc. I’ve cried many tears. .
I’ve done all of the testing, yet there’s no real explanation for my infertility. No explanation, in some ways, has made it more painful. As humans, we want answers, we want explanations, and we want solutions. We want to fix it. That is me all the way. I want to understand anything and everything. This is something that’s not easily fixed.
Here’s some of the questions I’ve asked over the years:
- Why me?
- What did I do wrong?
- Am I being punished?
- When will this be over?
So, what do you do when you can’t get pregnant?
I’m praying and I’m waiting.
Yes, I’m praying, waiting, believing and trusting for a miracle. What has prayer done for me so far? It has drawn me closer to God, the one who’s able to comfort me, soothe my pain and give me direction. When my husband didn’t understand, when my friends didn’t understand, God understood.
Throughout my journey, God has been close. And he has helped me. I used to cry when I saw other women’s baby bumps, but now I rejoice with them. When I used to take pregnancy tests monthly, the sight of that negative test brought me to tears. I used to have anxiety every month, but I no longer experience that either.
God has been good to me. Do I have a baby? Not yet. But one thing I do know is that I’m not alone. God is with me and he will sustain me on this journey.